I Will Fix Everything

The following essay was inspired by a conversation with several business and English teachers over lunch yesterday. Also I am insane.


It is a known fact that difficult times in man’s history elicit man’s greatest feats of ingenuity. There is no greater stimulus for new thinking than grave hardship. Our darkest moments in history--the Civil War and the Great Depression being the most prominent examples--are responsible for some of our greatest developments as a society. The Civil War, for example, revolutionized American medicine by necessitating the development of a triage system, expanding knowledge of the properties of Southern flora, and forcing an examination of the sanitary conditions of Union cities. Out of the United States’ darkest hour was born methods of healing and hospital management still used today.

Today’s crises are not as bleak as the War of Northern Aggression, but their ill effects are far more insidious. Our environment, the world’s environment, is in grave danger. Every day, several dozen species teeter on the edge of extinction. We poison the air and sea with our waste and exhaust. And nobody in America seems to care, or if they do, nothing is done. Why is this? Why do we not simply shut down our oil companies, switch to green energy, and have done with the whole mess?

Because oil companies are far more important to our nation than we think. True, they represent many things that some people--myself included--detest. Mass consumption. Depletion of finite resources. Greed. But we must remember that oil companies are not inherently evil: they are simply businesses trying to make profits. From a Randian standpoint, they are the heroes here. They work very hard to produce refined petroleum for their nation, and they pay very high tax revenues in doing so. A great portion of our economy relies on said revenues. If the oil companies were to simply shut down, our economy would plummet far below its present state. As an added irony, many forms of alternative American transportation (Amtrak, for one) hemorrhage money and must be supplemented with taxpayer dollars.

At the same time, America’s interest in oil keeps us involved in deals we would otherwise eschew. To use an analogy: America does not have a Nintendo Wii, but its neighbor, Saudi Arabia, does. America loves to go over to Saudi Arabia’s house to play the Wii. But Saudi Arabia is a strange kid. He kicks his dog, occasionally screams quite loudly for no reason, and throws things when he loses Wii Bowling. He also makes America wear a t-shirt that says “I’m the prettiest pony” whenever America is in his house. This upsets America, but America hides his disdain so he can play more Wii. He wishes he could play his own Wii at his own house, but Saudi Arabia has hoarded all of the Wiis in his basement, so America must continue to be the prettiest pony.

I believe I can address our issues of the environment, oil, and the economy in one masterstroke. First, the government offers oil companies large subsidies to instigate a program which gradually shifts their focus from oil refining to genetic research, breeding, and marketing. The oil companies will take on responsibility for the lives of several endangered species, modifying their genetic structure and breeding stronger, more resilient forms of the creatures. These animals, in turn, will be trained into positions that supplement the gap created by the drop in petroleum production. Some creatures will become the cornerstone of public transportation. The marketing writes itself: “PanAm: America Runs on Pandas.” Some species may find work within the United States Postal Service, delivering overnight parcels. The oil companies could even get endorsements from Scholastic to emphasize their system’s similarities to the popular Harry Potter series. Our remaining petroleum reserves will be focused on development of plastics and other materials vital to our progression as a society.

Eventually, we will develop enough alternative sources of energy that the oil companies will be able to relieve themselves of the burdens of mass petroleum production without inflicting massive layoffs. Our atmosphere will become cleaner, our endangered species will thrive and learn the value of hard work, and our economy will survive. At long last, America will have constructed its own solar-powered Wii.